Transsexuals’ Children

7 February 2003 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

Continuing contact between transsexual parents and their children has met with significant opposition. Two areas of concern are effects on the gender identity of the children and reactions by the children’s peer group. Eighteen children, 10 boys, 8 girls of 9 transsexual parents, have been evaluated. Their ages range from 5-16 years. All live with or have regular contact with their transsexual parent. No child has gender identity disorder. No child has had extensive conflict with the peer group. All continue positive relationships with their transsexual parent.

Introduction

In 1978 I published a paper on sexually atypical and gender atypical parents and their children (Green 1978). It described 21 children being raised by lesbian mothers and 16 by transsexual parents. Since that paper 20 years ago, none other has been published describing a series of children of transsexuals. This absence explains why that report was cited as a stand alone in the case brought by a female-to-male transsexual in his recent fight for parental status before the European Court of Human Rights (Case of X, Y and Z v United Kingdom, 1997).

Opposition is strong to a transsexual continuing in a parenting role during or after gender transition. It derives in part from concerns that the children will become confused in their own gender identity during critical years of psychosexual development. Although to those concerned about this posited impact no developmental period is safe harbour, the first handful of years are seen as exceptionally vulnerable. This is during the setting of basic gender identity and resolution of the posited Oedipal conflict. Early adolescence when sexual orientation manifests strongly, perhaps reviving earlier Oedipal conflicts, is another arguably vulnerable period. The second focus of concern impacting on the best interests of these children is the reaction of their age mates, the peer group. Will the children be teased, ostracised, bullied in consequence of their parent’s transsexualism?

But, beyond these presumably empirically testable concerns, there is more. There are the feelings of betrayal, abandonment and hostility of the non-transsexual parent. Many are so enraged at the transsexual parent that they defiantly oppose any contact with the child. As custodial parent, some non-transsexual parents instil in the child a distorted, negative image of the absent (or rarely present) transsexual parent, the Parental Alienation Syndrome (Gardner 1978). In time, the child, too, opposes continuing or renewed contact. The concern to courts here is that the conflict and trauma imposed on the child of enforcing contact with one parent when the other is implacably opposed, and perhaps the child too is opposed, is greater than terminating contact.

Are the former noted issues concerning the children’s gender identity and peer group reaction to be considered as independent of the latter consideration of uncompromising parental opposition? They should not be. To the extent research demonstrates the absence of an objective basis for concern for the child’s welfare as a direct effect of the transsexual status of one parent, the other parent’s opposition becomes increasingly irrational. It should be given less legal weight on the scales of justice in judicial determinations.

During the past four years I have interviewed transsexual parents at Charing Cross Hospital in London. Many have not seen their children for years. Several abdicated their parenting role because they feared their transsexualism would be harmful to the child, others because their former spouse had been adamantly opposed to contact and the transsexual believed that a legal fight was hopeless. There have been other families, however, where the transsexual parent has continued to live with child(ren) and spouse during the gender transition of the “Rea.l Life Test” or has maintained frequent parenting contact, though living apart. An outline of these children is drawn here.

There are 18 children. They are from 9 families, with 10 children boys and 8 girls. Six transsexual parents are male-to-female, three are female-to-male. The children’s age range is 5-16 years, with 4 ages 5-7, 6 ages 8-10, 4 ages 11-13 and 4 ages 14-16. The frequency distribution is shown in Table l.

Areas of focus in interviewing these children and parents have been the two typically cited as potentially problematic for the children: their own gender identity and peer group stigma.

Gender Identity

None of the children meet the DSM IV or ICD 10 criteria for “gender identity disorder”. One boy and one girl had thoughts about changing sex briefly when informed of the transsexualism of the parent, but the curiosity did not evolve into a desire to change sex and the curiosity did not continue. No clinically significant cross-gender behaviour is reported.

Peer Group

Three children have been selective in informing peers of the transsexual status of their parent. They informed those whom they thought they could trust with the information and who would not tease or spread it indiscriminately. Three children experienced some teasing; it was transient and resolved. The remainder report no problems.

Understanding the Parent

Three children do not remember their parent in the parent’s birth sex. The others became aware of the transsexual status 1-3 years before my interview. The children have a reasonable understanding of the parent’s gender dysphoria and the treatment process. Some examples of their perceptions of their parents follow:-

Seven year old boy with male-to-female transsexual parent (father):

“Linda. wants to be a woman. Linda wants to start a fresh life. She likes living as a woman. I think that is happy for her. At first (when I was 4’/2) I didn’t quite understand. As I got older, I realized she must be happy living as a woman, so I’ll just accept that.”

Does Linda have a penis?

“She is going to have it taken off.”

What is your worry?

“The thing I worry about is if he gets injections that the wrong amount would be given and something would go wrong… Is there a chance he could die in the operation?”

Nine year old boy with female-to-male transsexual parent (mother):

“She will change into a man with plastic surgery.”

Why?

“My dad (biological mother) reckons that God had made a mistake when he was born.”

Seven year old girl with male-to-female transsexual parent (father):

Why does your daddy dress as a lady?

“It’s a better life.”

Sixteen year oId boy with female-to-male transsezual parent (mother):

“Jim is a bloke. The only thing missing is a dick.”

Ten year old boy with male-to-female transsexual parent (father):

How do you feel about it?

“It’s alright.”

Why is your daddy doing this?

“He does not like being a man.”

Eleven year old sister:

“My dad’s having a sex change. He is turning into a woman.

Why?

“He feels like a woman”

How do you feel about it?

“I feel OK about it.”

Fourteen year old daughter with female-to-male transsexual parent (mother):

“My Mother’s not happy in the body she is in. My mom is a lot happier since starting to live as who she wants to be. When I was 13, my mother said, ‘I want to be a man, do you care?’

I said, no, as long a you are the same person inside and still love me. I don’t care what you are on the outside… It’s like a chocolate bar, It’s got a new wrapper but it’s the same chocolate inside.”

Ten year old brother:

“Jim (mother) is my dad because he is having a sex change. It’s alright with me. If it makes Jim happy, it makes me happy.”

Conclusion

Available evidence does not support concerns that a parent’s transsexualism directly adversely impacts on the children. By contrast, there is extensive clinical experience showing the detriment to children in consequence of terminated contact with a parent after divorce.

Can anything be done to help maintain these families? Courts can be educated regarding clinical or research findings. Transsexual parents may profit from engaging with children in counselling sessions in anticipation of, or during, the gender transition process where concerns and questions can be addressed. Marital counselling early in the transition process could mitigate the hostility of the non-transsexual parent. Hopefully, the non-transsexual parent’s feelings of disappointment, loss and perhaps anger can be placed in perspective to the benefit children derive from contact with two parents. Children can also benefit from counselling, when troubled, after parent sex reassignment (Sales, 1995)

The cases described here and twenty years earlier demonstrate that transsexual parents can remain effective parents and that children can understand and empathise with their transsexual parent. The cases demonstrate that gender identity confusion does not occur and that any teasing is no more a problem than the teasing children get for a myriad of reasons.

Children’s best interests are not served by the bullying tactic of implacable parental opposition by one parent to continuing contact with both parents. Divorce may be inevitable between parent and parent, but divorce need not be inevitable between parent and child.

References

Case of X, Y and Z v United Kingdom (75/1995/581/667), European Court of Human Rights, Strasbourg, 1997.

Gardner, R (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition. Cresskill, New Jersey, Creative Therapeutics.

Green,R (1978). Sexual identity of thirty-seven children raised by homosexual or transsexual parents. American Journal of Psychiatry 135: 692-697.

Sales, J. (1995). Children of a transsexual father: a successful intervention. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 4:136-139.

Table 1

Transsexual Type | Number of Sons | Ages | Number of Daughters | Ages

M-F | 1 | 7 | – | –

F-M | 1 | 16 | 2 | 14, 12

M-F | – | – | 2 | 5, 7

M-F | 1 | 10 | 1 | 12

F-M | 2 | 8, 10 | – | –

F-M | 1 | 10 | 1 | 14

M-F | 2 | 9, 12 | – | –

M-F | 2 | 10, 13 | 1 | 16

M-F | – | – | 1 | 5

A Research Paper by Professor Richard Green

Gender Trust – 2003, This information sheet is distributed by the Gender Trust and is intended as a basis for information only. The Gender Trust does not accept responsibility for the accuracy of any information contained in this sheet.

Rich Man, Poor Man, Transsexual Woman

7 February 2003 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

Summer 1955 and this child’s fate has already been determined by nature.

A child giggles whilst drinking the bath water from an egg cup. It is 1955 and not long since the national press have reported the story of a Spitfire pilot and racing driver who has “become” a woman through what we now call Gender Reassignment Treatment.

The child’s parents have registered and christened her as a boy. How is anyone to know any different? Within three years “he” will know otherwise though … and the little girl inside will have learned enough about life already not to mention her profound self knowledge to anyone.

In years to come she will learn that people who seek the treatment to release them from this silent hell are labelled as freaks and get hounded by the press. They are shunned by their families and friends. They are treated with less respect than murderers and rapists. Anything they receive from medical specialists or authority is to be regarded as a grudging and contemptuous concession which they don’t really deserve. Not surprisingly, she will seek to bury her terrifying self knowledge deep within herself.

As enlightenment gradually dawns on society, sometime in her thirties, she will wince though when she sees women like her described as having been “born a man”.

A man? Look again at the photograph. You could no more call the child a “man”, than you could label them a “Computer Consultant”, “Conservative” or “Rights Campaigner”. Yet all of these labels are a part of her development potential, just as her innate femininity means she will not rest until she finds her true self-expression within society.

So, eventually, she will come to the agonising choice which confronts all transsexual people in the end … made worse for having deferred it until mid life. She will have to decide how to deal with the partner and family she acquired whilst trying to be what everyone expected of her. She will have to put her career on the line. She will lose her home and tens of thousands of pounds through divorce. She will lose some of her friends. For a while she will wonder if she deserves to keep her own self respect. Yet the choice is between that and suicide. For a life which is a perpetual lie … a life which gets more painful with every passing day of the soul’s denial … is no life at all.

Make believe? No. Increasing research evidence indicates that everything which transsexual people have ever reported about their mysterious juxtaposition of psychological gender and physical sex is true. The more science is inclined to look, the more it finds to substantiate the discovery that children like the little “boy” in the picture above really did already have the brain of a little girl.

Nobody can be blamed for assuming this little girl was a boy. If we have to have a basis for distinguishing how we’re going to differentiate the type of upbringing we’re to give our children then the appearance of their genitals is no more and no less arbitrary than the colour of their skin or the country they were born in. What matters, however, is how we respond when the child is old enough to turn round and say that we got it wrong in their case.

It helps, of course, to be sophisticated enough to be able to accept such an assertion with the respect it deserves. If society attaches such importance to gender then it’s hardly a trivial thing when you know you’ve been dragooned into the wrong one. Transsexuals need help, not hindrance, if they are to manage a transition which affects every single way in which they relate to the world around them.

More than that, however, a compassionate and sensible society will recognise that once such a change has occurred then there is absolutely no benefit to anyone in making it anything less than a 100% change. Society only has two social genders to choose from. Man and Woman. To cripple a man with a legal status which regards him as a woman, or to say that a woman cannot marry a man because of her long-since-removed birth deformity is to erect a deliberate barrier to the otherwise successful functioning of that individual. It is, in short, like breaking a man’s leg because you don’t want to accept that he can walk.

And that is all that we in Press for Change seek from British society. The right to walk. To stand on our own two feet after being forced to crawl for almost thirty years. It’s not a lot, is it?

This information sheet is compiled from an article by Press for Change, the organisation which campaigns for rights for transsexual people. To find out more about Press For Change visit their website at pfc.org.uk or write to them at:- Press For Change, BM Network, London WC1N 3XX

By Christine Burns, April 1997

To Be Transsexual

13 February 2002 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

What it feels like to be a Male-To-Female Transsexual, Before, during, and after transition. How it touches the soul, and How it affected my life.

Initially, the trouble with my body being the wrong sex was just…troubling. My mother told me stories, before she died, of the difficulties toilet training me, of getting me to deal with plumbing I felt unhappy with. I remember how kindergarten gave me my first taste of the shame I would be indoctrinated with over my life, of ridicule by adults and my peers. Back then, in early childhood, I knew something was wrong, it caused me embarrassment and a little shame, but I always felt that it would work out, if I just hoped and prayed hard enough.

From the earliest I felt different, because I was not like those I was supposed to be kin to, boys. I was quiet and gentle and they were rough and loud. I liked to draw and read, to paint and play with stuffed animals making little homes for them and myself, I did not fit in with my supposed peers. I felt outcast even in kindergarten, and I had a difficult time understanding fully just why.

Girls would often not include me, which I also did not understand, so the best definition of what it felt like for me to be a transsexual child would be Outcast and Confused.

As I approached puberty, the exclusion from both boys and girls increased, as each had reasons for avoiding the shy strange child I was. To boys I was weird because I liked girlish things, and to girls I was icky because I was supposed to be a boy. When they did include me, they wanted me to play the role of ‘daddy’ or ‘boyfriend’ or other such role, and I would only be willing to play ‘mommy’ or my usual, the ‘baby’ in games of playing house. In every activity my gender dilemma affected me. If I wanted to twirl on the monkey bars I was ridiculed because only girls did that, and my stuffed animals were taken away by my vile father, fearful of my love for them.

Eventually, I had to find a way to avoid persecution, for my difference increasingly resulted in physical abuse from the boys. I was threatened and beaten, called a fag and a queer, and constantly humiliated. I found an answer in Science Fiction, and my substitute dolls were little soft rubber monsters for which I would build not houses, but elaborate spacecraft. Science was just cool enough to be barely acceptable, and sometimes I could avoid persecution under the disguise of being an expectedly odd ‘Brain’. I used my intellect carefully to make myself fit that role as best I could, but I never was able to find real safety. My home-built starships had all the amenities, such as domed gardens and bathrooms, and I imagined elaborate relationships for my little toy friends. The boys that would play with me wanted to create adventures of conflict, but my stories always had my little monsters visiting peaceful worlds filled with gentle creatures who just wanted to be friends. The girls that would play with me sometimes let me play with their dolls, but then would ridicule me for it later.

The feelings of being a prepubescent transsexual might best be summarized by Hiding, Substitution, and the pain of Physical Abuse.

By puberty, I knew shame very well indeed, and feared the names and violence applied to me. Increasingly I tried to deny my true self, and felt that my gender identity was something to be disgusted about. Puberty brought a rush of sexual tension, and with it the most awful horror…sexuality.

The awful incorrectness of my body now seemed to have a will and mind of it’s own, and I felt devoured and possessed as if by some alien bodysnatching spore. I withdrew into the back of my own mind, and for the next decade and then some, would feel as if I were in the back row of a dark empty theater, watching helplessly as my life was lived by another.

Male hormones were like a poison and a terrible drug to me, they brought madness and sickness. I felt terrible all the time, poisoned by sweating, nervous twisted lust. The hormones made sexual feelings flood my mind, I could think of little else. I masturbated like a monkey in a cage, constantly, loathing the act but tortured by the uncontrollable drive. I felt like my constant nightmares, of being trapped in the backseat of a car, rolling to doom, down a steep hill.

The feeling of being a puberty stricken transsexual was for me the feeling of being possessed by a demon, the feeling of being out of control, with the only help in withdrawal deep within my own mind. It felt like I was being raped by my own flesh, turned against me and possessed by an alien will.

The agony of this drove me to near madness. My mind did it’s best to survive, and split into two separate awareness. One awareness became a day-to-day attempt to fit in, to be what the world expected, and this version of me had little conscious acknowledgment of my gender problem. All it knew was that I was miserable, sick to die.

The other half of my consciousness became dominant only when it was safe, it waited to become me when ever the opportunity to be alone arose.
Alone, my true self leapt panting into full consciousness, desperate to seize a moment to be itself. It was inevitable that my dressing up in my mothers things would become tarnished by that dreadful sex drive that owned my body utterly, and the endless masturbation became entwined with dressing as a woman, at least for a while.

Nearing my 20’s I had begun to finally have some slight control over the impulses that rode me, and once again became able to separate dressing from the need for sexual release. I could once again simply enjoy, for however brief a time, feeling somewhat close to being my true self. One fine night I simply sat in a rocking chair in my favorite nightgown and watched the rain, a blessed eternal time of utter, peaceful contentment.

Then as soon as the moment was no longer safe, as soon as discovery became imminent, my mind slammed down the steel shutters, and I literally had no memory of what I had just been doing.

This schizoid defense mechanism is the closest I ever hope to be to true madness. I comprehend that it was the way my mind found to survive an unendurable agony, but it was a frightening and disturbing guard.

No sane human wants to be utterly alone, and I still had some shed of sanity left. Of the lovers I had at that time, all were female, and I did my best to fill the role expected of me…but it was very difficult. My sex drive found release, at first, but what I most deeply wanted was an eternal, committed relationship, something few other 18 year olds of my time seemed to want. In coping with the sex I was driven to engage in, the only way I could deal with the soul-rending horror of using those accursed organs I possessed was to distance my self increasingly from the act. Eventually I was all machine inside, carefully memorizing and calculating the exact behaviors that would please my partner, with no thought of what was happening for my own lizard brain. If my partner was satisfied, perhaps they would like me and stay with me forever. It was a reasoned transaction. It became like playing a video game or pinball, as I used intellectual techniques and trained motor control to rack up a performance score measured in orgasms per hour on the fleshy console I played. Of course this kind of distancing cannot last without self destruction, and soon I was incapable of ‘performing’ -for that was indeed what it was- any more. Impotence was a relief, for it spared me from this special hell of squirming wetness and reptilian compulsion. To this day, because of this agony, sex is all but anathema to me, and I am essentially asexual. Being sexual at all brings back some of the awfulness of those days, and flashback shrieking horrors in my soul, but happily, I now possess almost no sex drive at all. This is a magnificent benefit to my comfort, but frustrating upon occasion for my spouses. I do not know if I will ever be able to feel good about sex. It hurts so much less -and feels so wonderful- to be an angel. It seems that being innocent and childlike is my safety and my salvation.

The feeling of young adulthood as a transsexual was for me best described by Schizoid Denial and Crumbling Survival.

When I finally had my catharsis, and awakened, when the cleft halves of my split mind rejoined, when the pain finally brought me to the point of facing my self or welcoming death by my own hand, I knew Purpose.

Fully, consciously aware of my lifelong torture, armed with a definition of my condition, and clear on what I must do to save my own life, I began a Holy Quest to redress the unendurable fault of my birth.

Transition was enormous pain, and required every ounce of will and strength I possessed merely to continue one day to the next. All about me was hostility, and the loss of friends and family. My sadness was oceanic. Even so, I have never felt more alive, for I was facing life and death square on, for a Holy Purpose, and driven by that Purpose I felt invincible!

As my flesh, under the gentle but powerful magic of female hormones, began to change, as my sex drive fell away and the driving demon that possessed me was exorcised, I began to feel light as air. Sylphlike, I floated on wings of hope, and knew peace in my body, my mind and my soul. Oh, the difference! Where male hormones made me feel poisoned and sick to die, driven by sweaty-dark aggression, female hormones made me feel innocent and pure, filled with light and gentle contentment. I felt cherubic and new born, and I knew in a matter of weeks that my choice was correct.

It felt so wonderful to shapeshift ! Every day held promise, for I enjoyed a second childhood of soft growing wonder. I saw my hands soften and become delicate again, a sight lost to puberty. I itched sweetly inside my growing bosom, and the sea of life within my body altered it’s flow to fit the contours of my soul. I was no longer in the back of the dark theater of my perception, I was outside that metaphoric theater altogether, living life fully, as I do to this day. I knew constant hope, and the exquisite pleasure of being resculpted by the very Nature who once betrayed me. The Mother was repairing Her mistake.

Only this boundless joy and ecstasy could have permitted me to survive the misery I endured at the hands of the cruel humans around me. The stuff of ridicule, there were many days I could not face the grocery store and went hungry, because the taunting and insults of the clerks were too much to bear.

The feeling of transition was Absolute Heaven, and Deepest Hell. It was miracle and curse, release and damnation both. But I have never before or since, felt more truly alive. It was Real Magick, the stuff of dreams made solid.

Surgery was almost anticlimactic, at the same time as being utterly terrifying and hideously painful. I knew I could die from it, and for the first time in my life, I had something to live for. But I also knew I could not endure to live with those horrid organs. I loathed them, how they looked, how the worked, what they felt like. It was like having some decaying parasitic worm hanging off of my body, or a tumor that had distended to freakshow proportions.

After my surgery, after the bloody mess had healed and the stitches removed, after the Frankenstein reconstruction had finally become Human, I marveled.

I finally felt….right. Correct. Oddest of all, I felt exactly the way that I imagined that I would feel before surgery. How could I possibly know what having a vagina, labia, clitoris, -even a ‘pseudo cervix’ would feel? Yet I had, long before these things were my body, in my dreams.

Science tells us that there is a map in the circuitry of the brain of the layout of our bodies, and children born without limbs suffer phantom limb syndrome though they have never known the missing limbs, my explanation is that my ‘body map’ was female, and the cause of my desperate need for surgery. Things felt wrong because my wiring told me clearly what I should be shaped like. Now that I am, the conflict is gone, and my suffering for missing organs is absent. I possess the contours and organs that fit my internal ‘map’, and so I feel…..all right.

So the feeling of surgical correction is…normality. Finally feeling free from internal and external conflict. It just…finally….is OK.

Now, 16 years after surgery, I live my life pretty much without much thought to gender dilemma. I am fixed, I am repaired. But I will never be utterly without this difference. Unlike most women, I suspect, I cannot help but occasionally hug my own breasts, feel the delicate flower of my labia, or the softness of my skin, and whisper a heartfelt prayer of thanks for the gift of finally being me. I can never take these things for granted, they are happy birthday presents forever, reminders that I lived a miracle.

And because I have lived such an adventure, I am forever set apart. I cannot simply be an ordinary woman, because I have not lived an ordinary woman’s life. The mindless chit-chat of either the average woman, or the average man, bores me to tears, and so in a way, I am still apart, alien on the inside. And so many life experiences I cannot join in to discuss, like menstruation, or dating, or Girl Scouts, or the myriad trials of growing up as a girl. I have known all of the discriminations and limitations of being a female…and then some, for I was treated as a freak before my attainment of womanhood…but few of the joys. I can not relate to the childhood of a boy either, for I did not have one, so I have so many things -not- to say.

This difference does haunt me, and in my years of hiding until this site on the internet, I felt the most disturbing muteness, the fear of discovery, that anyone should know my shameful past. This is why I have decided to come Out, because even if my body is at last corrected, I have been altered in my soul and mind by the journey to achieve it.

So the feeling of being a post-op transsexual is for me the comfort of happy correctness mixed with the bitterness of forever lost girlhood, and the joy of remembering that I am a miracle, a shapeshifter incarnate, and that I have lived an adventure. I am at once Normalized and Alienated, Wistful and Joyful together.

This is what it feels like, at least for me.

transsexual.org/Feels.html – 2002

Dating for Male-To-Female Transsexuals

13 February 2002 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

1. If you date men, you are always in potentially fatal danger. Be aware.

2. Make certain, before you even consider a date, that your partner is FULLY aware of your status and is not significantly bothered by it. Never date anyone who does not know about you.

3. Be aware that in our society, men who are secure enough to accept you are rare. there are predators who attack transsexuals, confused sorts who seek to use and then punish transsexuals, and those who try to be accepting but fail, often violently.

4. Be honest, be aware, and be very, very cautious.

5. Some men may only like you because of your transsexuality, and may find you uninteresting post-operatively. Be sure of the attractions that occur.

6. It is not all dark, but you will have to search more carefully, and be more aware, than nontranssexual women. Even with all the above, know that it is possible to find caring partners and loving friends.

The reasons

Dating both pre, and even post-op, involves concerns that nontranssexual folk do not have to concern themselves with. Some of these issues are serious.
Most, if not all of the dangerous issues revolve around sexual and gender insecurities. These insecurities are not dangerous in the transsexual, they are very dangerous in nontranssexuals.

Our culture still has a lot of bigotry and mindless hatred in it, and much of this evil comes from religious origins.

Homosexuality and Gender Threat

Early Christianity, Judaism, and to a lesser degree, Islam, became dominant in the western world by virtue of being warfare based religions. The universe was spiritually divided into an Absolute Good, and and Absolute Evil, and the basic premise was that the Good and True believers in the faith had to overcome everyone and everything else. To accomplish this, two things had to be done: one, the group, tribe, and religion had to concern itself with converting by any means possible other groups, and two, it had to become as populous as possible.
This last requirement is the basic reason behind homosexuality being made into a crime and an Evil. More babies means more tribe members. More tribe members means more ability to conquer and convert. Homosexuality produces fewer babies than heterosexuality. It cannot be tolerated by a belief system bent on domination.

You may be a woman, but be you pre-op or post-op, the social stigma of ever possessing a penis is there. If you date a man, those old Judeo-Christian issues in our western society kick in, and problems can occur. Sometimes these problems can be fatal.

Transsexuals and the Foundations of Assumed Truth

Transsexuals, by their existence, threaten basic assumptions and truths about gender and religion. The ‘Evil’ of homosexuality is shown to be the violent nonsense it is when the transsexual enters into the equation. Am I, a post-op, a woman? A surgically altered man? Something outside the scope of current belief and understanding?
As for the pre-op transsexual, then all possibility of a clear answer becomes lost. Is a pre-op a woman, a man, a woman in some ways, a man in others? To the average, simple mind, the result is paradox, confusion, and the destruction of neat, tidy categories and labels. It is hard to believe in religious prohibitions when reality itself shows the limits of them. If the word of god is so limited, so meaningless, the universe itself becomes upset for some folks. They find themselves adrift, without answers, forced to think, perhaps for the very first time. They begin to question themselves and their place in the universe, they are filled with nagging doubts.

Scared, confused people can be very dangerous. They can become violent, they can kill.

Far too many transsexuals have been murdered by men that just could not handle the issues they were forced to confront, the doubt they felt, the insecurity they suffered, or the ‘Truth’ that came tumbling down.

Sometimes the conflict is so severe, that men become convinced that the only way to restore their lost faith is to destroy that which caused it to be questioned. Such men deliberately seek out transsexuals to punish, humiliate, control, or harm them.

These same issues can also lead to other reactions besides murder. Some people are attracted to the forbidden and the rejected, and find it exciting. Such folks will find you desirable only as long as you fit this category.

Other folks try very hard to accept the transsexual, but fail at the task, because the conflict between what they were raised to believe, and what they want to be accepting about, is too much. In the end, sometimes the original ‘Truth’ wins out, especially because society supports it.

In all cases, the root cause of this nastiness is fear and instilled hatred of homosexuality, and this comes from only one place, religion. It is pervasive in our culture, because our culture is steeped in Judeo-Christian values and beliefs.

The Game Of ‘What Am I ?’

If you are a Male-To-Female transsexual and you are attracted to men, then what is really going on? Are you gay or straight or what? The answer depends on how one chooses to look at the transsexual.
If what matters is identity, is the mind and the heart, then you are a heterosexual woman with very standard desires.

If all that matters is the birth shape of the skin, in the past, present ot future, then you are an altered gay man experiencing homosexual desires.

If all that matters is the current cut of the skin, then a pre-op is a gay man and a post-op is a straight woman.

If the transsexual is considered a unique creature, a ‘third sex’, then all definitions become moot…perhaps being some shade of bisexual might come closest.

The problem is that, however you may define yourself, others will create definitions of their own over which you have little or no control.

What you must do is to be conscious of this, and determine what you want, and what you are willing to do, accept and teach, to get what you want. You must also be aware of the very real dangers involved.

It is not fair that this should be so. It is not fair that transsexuals should be forced to be so cautious, so concerned with safety, so endangered. It is not fair that religious dogma should brand transsexuals and homosexuals both as evil or as misguided, or even simply as distasteful.

But it is real, and you have to deal with that, or possibly die.

On the positive side, however, real, decent relationships are not impossible. They can and do occur, because there are men out there who can sort themselves out, and get past this inculcated bigotry or fear.
I know of such relationships personally, and am even involved in one: in my polyamory, or group marriage, one of my spouses is male. But it does take a little more effort and searching than the nontranssexual woman must face.

Selectively Out

All of this does not mean that the transsexual must wear their transsexual status as a badge, or be out to everyone, everywhere.
The key is to be selectively ‘Out’, to carefully choose who to tell and when and why. This is something the individual transsexual must be in control of, if at all possible.

Each circumstance must be evaluated on it’s own merits, but there is a general rule of thumb to follow:

Tell men up front, as early as possible

Why? because 93.7 percent of all violent crime, on the planet earth, is committed by men. Women just do not commit violent crimes even faintly as often. Women do not rape, murder, kill for hate, fag bash, mutilate, dismember, shoot, eviscerate, disembowel or torture unto death nearly as often as men do.

I will not bother with a discussion of the possible reasons for this, suffice to say that in the debate all sides are correct: the reasons are cultural, biological, genetic, and social all at the same time. Why this is true is not important.

What is important is that it is true, across the globe, in every society, everywhere. Even if violence is all but nonexistent, what violence there is will follow this statistic. Learn the one thing all women must:

Be afraid of men.

Nontranssexual women learn this from an early age. 3 out of 4 women learn it the hard way, in America, at some point in their lives. When you live as a woman, love as a woman, exist as a woman, you automatically are the heir to the perils of being a woman. To think yourself immune or to fail to be aware of this, is suicide.
Even more extreme, the status of being transsexual, even post-op, put one at a greater risk than that of nontranssexual woman.

Save your own life. Be up front, be ‘Out’ to any prospective male date.

Different For Women

This article is concerned with MTF transsexual woman who wish to date men, primarily because this is the group in serious statistical peril. Why not an article about the issues of dating as a lesbian?

Perhaps in time, but in general, the issues there are more about rejection and social bigotry, rather than physical violence and death or dismemberment. Your author identifies as being primarily lesbian, or if you prefer, a ‘polarized bisexual’: dedicated to reducing reflected glare off of sexual surfaces.

Although this may be a terribly politically incorrect thing to say, because of the vastly smaller risk of getting dead or mutilated, it is reasonably safe to date with women without outing ones self, until the relationship reaches the point of sexual involvement.

Because one is less likely to be killed, one can hope to become close friends first, before revealing the Big Secret, if one is living in secrecy of any degree.

The value of doing this is simple: it increases slightly the odds of being considered a human being, and therefore also increases the possibility of not being immediately dismissed out of bigotry, political dogma, ignorance, or blind, mindless hatred.

Because women are less likely to disembowel you for being a transsexual, you have a chance to escape having to suffer outing yourself immediately.

You have a chance to be seen, for a while at least, as something other than a politically unacceptable Frankenstein monster.

This may be enough time to cut through the bigotry and be truly seen.

Conclusions

The content of this article sounds quite frightening, and this is not without some rationality. However, there is also a danger in becoming paralyzed by fear or concern. That danger is loneliness.
What I suggest that you do is to be aware of the dangers and issues, but also realize that they are indicative of probabilities. It is very possible for you to find joy and and love, it is just my intent that you live long enough to find them.

Be smarter than those who would harm you, and you have the edge. Be aware of the very real dangers, and select carefully, mindful of your own precious safety.

The concerns for the MTF transsexual woman are a bit more severe than for the nontranssexual woman, but not insurmountable.

Keep your wits sharp and be careful out there.

transsexual.org/dating1.html – 2002

Reasons To Cherish Being Transsexual

13 February 2002 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

Because being transsexual is often so hurtful, so filled with sadness and longing, with shame and loss and difficulty, it is easy to come to the conclusion that the whole thing is utterly a curse, perhaps inflicted by arcane and evil ancient gods.

Oh, probably.

But there is an upside too.

Most human lives are utterly mundane, devoid of any real uniqueness, the average person somnambulates through an existence devoted to filling the roles expected of them.

But to be a transsexual is a magical, wondrous thing.

Consider. We are given many gifts in compensation for the terrible loss of our childhood as ourselves, and for the pain we endure. We are by some as yet unknown mechanism statistically far more intelligent, as a class, than perhaps any other kind of people. We are almost universally more creative, and we often possess incredible levels of courage and self determination, demonstrated by our very survival, and ultimate attainment of our goal. We are rare as miracles, and in our own way, as magical, or so has been the belief of all ancient cultures on the earth.

We are given awareness that others would never experience, understanding of gender, of the human condition, of society and the roles and hidden rules unquestioned within it. We are given a window into the lives of both sexes, and cannot help but be, to some degree, beyond either. From this we have a rare opportunity: to choose our own life, outside predetermined and unquestioned definition or role. We can do new things, original things, only because our experience is so unique.

We get to be true shapeshifters, and experience the sheer wonder of melty-wax flesh and a real rebirth into the world. Our brains and bodies gain benefit from having been bathed in and altered by the hormones of both sexes. We appear to retain our visible youthfulness where others wrinkle, and for years longer. We possess neural advantages from both sexes, such as the language advantages of the feminized brain, and the spatial abilities of the masculinized brain both. We are shocked into waking up, if we allow it, to a life we create for ourselves…we are not automatically doomed to sleepwalk through life.

After our transformations, after the full-moon lycanthropic miracle that the modern age affords us, we can live lives of success and love, and genuine specialness, if we choose. If we can get past our upbringing, past the programming, the bigotry, the messages of disgust from the culture around us, if we can stand as ourselves in freedom, then our special gifts grant us a heritage of wondrous power.

We have a proud and marvelous history. In ancient days we were magic incarnate. We were Nadle, Winkte, Two-Souls, Shamans and healers and magical beings to our communities. We possessed the ability to give the blessings of the gods and spirits, and were prized as companions, lovers, and teachers.

We were the prize gift of ancient tribes, entertainers, designers and dreamers. Sometimes we were the -somewhat reluctant- rulers of empires, and the consorts of emperors. We were champions and warriors too, who were feared for our unique gifts turned to inevitable victory.

Know that it is only in recent centuries, with the rise of the single minded, monolithic and monotheistic desert religions, filled with harsh single gods and twisted, narrow morals, that our kind have become reviled, the objects of scorn. Once, we were the kin of the gods.

To be transsexual is not easy, and it is not a birth that could be envied, but neither is it a damnation. It was once considered a rare wonder, if a mixed one; a faery gift that cuts as it blesses.

And in the modern age, of hormones and surgery, we are the first generations of our kind to finally know the joy of complete transformation, of truly gaining our rightful bodies. No other transsexuals in history have been so fortunate.

I say that we are unicorns, rare and wondrous, with still a touch of ancient magic and the kinship of the gods. Though it is agony, beyond the fire we have the opportunity to become alchemic gold.

We have much to add to the world, and to give to ourselves and those who love us.

We have always been, we are still the prize of the tribe, for only the world around us has changed, the desert harshness branding us vile. We are still the same.

Our compensations are real, and our lives are special; we have but to grasp the gifts born of our sufferings.

When I look around me at the mundane lives, there are times I think that maybe I am glad I was born transsexual, for I would never have been what I have become without that curse. I cannot help but be grateful for my uniqueness, so I am brought to a strange revelation:

Deep down, I cherish having been born a transsexual.

Be a unicorn with me, and cherish it too.

transsexual.org/cherish.html – 2002

About Our Transgender Children And Their Families

13 February 2002 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

Q: What does it mean to be transgender?

A: Transgender people are individuals of any age or sex who manifest characteristics, behaviors or self-expression, which in their own or someone else’s perception, is typical of or commonly associated with persons of another gender.

Q: Are there different types of transgender people?

A: Yes. There is great diversity among transgender people. Various terms are used to describe segments of the transgender community. Some of these terms are transvestite, crossdresser, bi-gendered, androgyne, transsexual, drag queen and male/female impersonator. Each of these terms describes a distinct type of transgender person. A detailed glossary of transgender terminology is available on request (see below).

Q: What causes a person to be transgender?

A: No definite answer can be offered to this question. Research suggests there is a biological basis for transgender behavior but to what degree is unknown. Transgender people manifest their condition at different stages in their lives ranging from infancy to old age. This leads to the observation that biology creates a capacity while nurture and individual choice may retard or accelerate the emergence or degree of transgender behavior.

Q: How many transgender people are there in the world?

A: No one knows what the population of transgender people is because there is no means of identifying and counting them. The evidence suggests that many transgender people hide their condition to avoid discrimination and abuse by others. However, transgender people are found in every society and culture, and in every country, from the most primitive to the most advanced. And, transgender people have been present throughout human history. Figures such as Saint Joan D’Arc, The Chevalier D’Eon, Lord Cornbury and Dr. Mary Walker are but a few of the transgender people to be found In the pages of history books.

Literary references to transgender people abound. In the latter half of the twentieth century the visible population of transgender people has increased into the millions worldwide. The evidence suggests that transgenderism is but another facet of the diverse human condition.

Q: Are transgender people considered to be disabled, sick or mentally ill?

A: Under the provisions of the Americans for Disabilities Act (ADA) transgender people are not considered to be disabled solely on the basis of their transgender status. Transgender people are not considered to be medically at risk by virtue of their status. Transgender people may be diagnosed by the psychiatric profession under the provisions of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), American Psychiatric Association, 1994. However, the vast majority of transgender people do not require psychiatric diagnosis or treatment and are not regarded as mentally ill or incompetent solely by virtue of their transgender status. The inclusion of transgender people in the DSM-IV is subject to periodic review. Just as homosexuality was removed from an earlier DSM, it is possible that transgender people will not be included in future DSM’s.

Q: Can transgender people be treated or cured?

A: There is no known cure or course of treatment which reverses the transgender person’s manifestation of the characteristics and behaviors of another gender. Transgender people have at times been subjected to electric shock therapy, aversion therapy (applying physical pain to condition response), drug therapy and other procedures. None of these “cures” have succeeded. Many such “cures” have been painful and dehumanizing for the victims.

Q: Is transgender behavior sinful and against the teachings of the Bible?

A: An isolated passage in the Book of Deuteronomy (22:5) reads: “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.” This passage is part of what biblical scholars refer to as the Hebrew Purity Code, a system of rules for social behavior and dietary consumption intended to “purify” the body and spirit in God’s eyes. In the broader context of the Purity Code this is a minor passage which is accompanied by prohibitions against intercourse with a menstruating woman, wearing clothing made of mixed fibers, sacrificing a blemished animal and remarrying a former wife. Taken together the prohibitions of the Purity Code amount to arbitrary cultural taboos as contrasted with the more profound precepts of the Ten Commandments. Biblical scholars and theologians warn of the danger of selective interpretation of the Bible in a way which upholds some passages while ignoring others and overlooking the broader context. Other authors point out that what “pertaineth unto a man” and what garments “pertain to women” have undergone continual change throughout history. Judged strictly by Hebrew standards the entirety of modern civilization would appear to violate the Purity Code.

Q: Are transgender people homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual?

A: The sexual orientation of transgender people may be homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual.

Q: Are transgender people subject to discrimination and denial of their human rights? Are they subjected to hate crimes and bashing incidents?

A: Transgender people face discrimination in the workplace, in housing, in healthcare, in the military service, in prison and in the society at large. Many transgender people are unemployed or under-employed by virtue of their status. With the exception of a few jurisdictions the jobs of transgender people are not protected by law. Because of their “visible” behavior and choice of attire transgender people are frequently subjected to verbal and physical abuse by other citizens, leading in some cases to the loss of life. In the U.S.A. such hate crimes are currently not reported statistically as crimes perpetrated against transgender people.

Q: How can I help support the transgender person in my family?

A: First, offer your family member your unconditional love and support. Secondly, educate yourself about transgenderism and transgender people and their concerns. Thirdly, help your loved one educate and “come out” to other family members and friends who will be supportive.

From the PFLAG-Talk/TGS-PFLAG Virtual Library
critpath.org/pflag-talk/library.html – 2002

Female to Male Breast Reconstruction

8 February 2002 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

The great challenge in reconstructing a male- appearing chest from a female breast is the management of the overlying breast skin. There is always a “skin excess” when the underlying glandular and fatty breast tissue is surgically removed. One goal in gender reassignment surgery is to manage this skin excess with a minimal amount of scarring. Excess skin can easily be cut away but every incision in surgery leaves a scar — the challenge for the surgeon is to remove this excees skin and to “hide” the incisions in natural folds, previous scars, or in the pigmented skin of the nipple-areolar complex.

The most critical factor in determining the appropriate procedure for each patient is the breast size. A very large breast (C-cup or larger) always requires a more extensive incision or series of incisions. Obviously, the larger the breast size, the more overlying skin there will be left to manage after the underlying breast tissue is removed. My preference for the large breast is to place an incision in a horizontal direction with a gentle curve that follows the curve and lower border of the pectoralis muscle. This scar, although it is long, can heal very nicely and can be “hidden” in the fold that is created by the well-developed pectoralis muscle. With a long incision, there is no problem removing the skin that is in excess after the breast tissue is removed and this procedure can be performed in one stage with only a small percentage of patients requiring any surgical revisions. Chest hair growth is also very beneficial in helping to conceal the scarring. With this procedure, I often will completely remove the nipple areolar complex, decrease it to the appropriate size, and replace the nipples in their new elevated and more lateral position as skin grafts. Liposuction also is an integral part of any breast reconstruction surgery to help create a smooth contour and transition from the breast to the surrounding chest wall.

The B-cup breast size has always created controversy for the plastic surgeon. A patient could be evaluated by 10 different surgeons and receive 10 different opinions on how the procedure should be performed and where the incisions should be placed. Common incisions used are: 1) the inverted “T”, 2) a horizontal incision on either side of the nipple, 3) a vertical incision under the nipple which curves outward near the fold of the pre-existing breast, and 4) the peri-areolar incision.

My preferred incision for the B-cup breast and smaller is the periareolar incision. The average male nipple-areolar complex (NAC) size is about the size of a dime or slightly larger. The average female NAC size is about the size of a half dollar, but it will be much larger in larger breasts. An incision is always made around the entire border of the NAC to reduce the size. This incision is called a periareolar incision. Because this incision is placed at the junction where the normal skin joins the pigmented or colored skin of the NAC, this incision can “hide” nicely and can appear to be the border of the pigmented skin. The excess skin is removed in a circular fashion around the NAC. The challenge is then to close the large skin circle to the dime-sized new NAC. The discrepancy in size of the outer skin circle to the inner circle (NAC) creates a very pleated skin closure — much like a drawstring purse. With normal healing, all skin will contract and tighten. We are relying on the skin contraction properties (which are different in each patient) to tighten the skin and to reduce the appearance of the pleating. Almost every patient will require a minor surgical revision to manage persistent pleating after the first stage procedure. If bothersome pleating exists after the revision, then the patient and surgeon must decide on creating another scar and in which direction. Often this additional scar or scars will be short and well-accepted by the patient because residual pleating rarely extends for more than an inch from the border of the NAC. Obviously, if the scar can be limited to the periareolar incision, this is the most desirable situation as there would be no obvious scarring that the patient might have to “explain” to someone when the chest was exposed.

In summary, the goals of female to male breast reconstruction surgery are to remove the glandular and fatty breast tissue with a smooth transition to the surrounding chest wall, to decrease the NAC size, and to perform the surgery with acceptable and minimal scarring.

Originally published in 1998 True Spirit Conference book.

Gender Reassignment Surgery: Female to Male Breast Reconstruction

By Beverly A. Fischer, M.D, 2002, amboyz.org

Transgender Pride

7 February 2002 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

A person I shall call “G.” wrote:

Dear Gender Gifted Brothers and Sisters

Last thursday I visited a friend of mine who had her surgery two months ago. It was somewhat frustrating trying to communicate with her as she appeared rather depressed, or aggressive, or whatever, I don’t know how to describe that kind of mood. I just knew her since shortly before her SRS, and obviously she was very happy in, looking forward to it. Her first reaction after the surgery was that now she was not a ts any more, now she could start living as a normal woman without having to think about all those problems. Now, two months later, she was rather angry (or how should I put it) about the fact that the neighbour’s kids (for example) still call her “Sir” (I suppose they do that because it upsets her, which they find funny). I wonder if she seriously expected strangers to notice the difference. I don’t think she’s walking around naked in the neighbourhood.

She used to have two ts friends (other than me). One got her surgery some four months ago. She had (has?) a relationship to a guy who considers himself gay and tried to convince her not to have surgery because it would be the end of their relationship. At the hospital he showed up and said it was over, but since she didn’t have anywhere else to stay she went to his place after the surgery anyway, and they continued the relationship. However, he told her that she would have to stop dress en femme etc. as he could only love her if he saw her as a man, and she apparently accepted that. So she broke up with all her ts friends (including my friend) because she had to live as a man.

I hope the story isn’t true. Not only because it’s terrible, but also because it would be bad PR for the relatively liberal Dutch SRS policy.

The other friend of hers send her a postcard last Christmas, in which he explained her that he had decided to halt HRT and live as a TV, and that he didn’t want to have any contact with any ts people anymore.

Then she asked about how things are going between me and the gender clinic, and she came with the most incredible suggestions, obviously being somewhat out of her mind. One suggestion was that I should just go to Iran (where you can have anything if you have a credit card) and have the surgery done right away instead of going through this lasting Dutch SRS permission procedure. They would just give me an enormous doze of hormones which should be good for one year so that I wouldn’t have to buy hormones on the black market.

The other suggestion was that since I don’t parse it would be better to dress as a man. This is similar to some suggestion I got from this newsgroup when I complained about the difficulty of finding a job as a not-passible pre-everything ts. It was somewhat frustrating not being able to make her understand that while this stay-in-closet approach may work for a good actress in an intolerant social environment, it is both impossible and unnecessary for me.

I think I will try to explain it to her in letter. It is sometimes difficult to talk when you are a little but pissed of with each other. And Dutch is a foreign language for both of us.

Thanks for reading this.

I responded:

Hi G.,

This is a very sad story that you have told. Thank you for sharing, even if it is so painful.

It does bring up some difficult issues related to surgery. Surgery really does only two things. Obviously, it makes significant changes to one’s genitals. Second, to the degree that one’s self-image is tied to one’s body, one’s self-image will change. But that’s it. There is no magic. Surgery does not change your past. Any human being who rejects such a sigificant part of hir past is running an extreme risk of emotional difficulties. This is why I have such trouble with the idea of a “former ts”; “former male” I agree with, but our heritage of being transgendered will stay with us forever. It is not a bad heritage, but it is one that many of us have trouble accepting.

Given her rejection of her male past, I can certainly understand her difficulties and her bitterness. There is an aura of magic about surgery, and it does lead to problems. I have lost my best friend in the community to this same issue, because she does not want reminders of her past in her new life. I am one of those reminders, simply because I knew her before, and I am a part of what she no longer wants to associate with–or perhaps more to the point, what she doesn’t want associated with her.

It is also a caution to all of us to be sure that our support networks are in place, and that they are truly functioning to support us. It is one thing that she had those neighboring kids calling her “sir”; it was almost certainly a taunt, destructive and mean-spirited. It takes a lot of positive support to balance these insults. But the boyfriend who wanted her to remain male–well, I don’t think I need to explain to anyone here how destructive that could be, and apparently is.

It is one thing to know that we are one the right path, but few enough of us are strong enough to walk that path alone. We need our support within the community. We need our support in every-day life, too; our friends, our social circles, the people we work with, and our relationships, for those of us who have them. When those around us work against us, for whatever reason, we need to find ways to balance the negative influences, or change them, or eliminate them if necessary. No one needs to be hit over the head with a club when we are trying to come to terms with our identity, or to make the changes that are necessary to live our lives as we choose.

For G.: I’ve let some distance grow between myself and this community, so forgive me for not being current with your situation. There are few enough of us who pass flawlessly; the rest of us, including me, have to adapt to being read some of the time. My experience has been that it is much easier to deal with these incidents if I expect them, and if I don’t make an issue of them. Yes, sometimes they hurt. Most of the time, though, I simply don’t worry about it. If it happens, it happens. I’m still me, I still know who I am, and I am still proud of the fact that I am living the life that I want to live and need to live. Getting read takes nothing away from who I am.

Over time, hormones and electrolysis do make a tremendous difference in passability. Some of us are impatient, though, and I certainly do understand that! When I was pre-everything, I didn’t pass well at all, and there were some who didn’t think that I ever would. But that has changed, even to the point of passing in jeans, a simple blouse or t-shirt, and no makeup.

How we feel about ourselves makes a difference in passing, too. Fully accepting ourselves as women (or men) makes a difference in how we feel about ourselves, and how we treat ourselves, and how we present ourselves to others. Other people pick up on this in subtle ways, and the most important thing that they can perceive–in terms of how they react to us–is our own self-acceptance.

It is essential to learn and to remember that we were born as women, or as men. What we have between our legs does not alter that. What other people see from the outside does not alter that. We are who we believe that we are; those feelings are too deeply rooted to be changed, ever. When the body does not match, it can set up a terrible conflict, and it is that conflict that causes us to suffer. Not our womanhood or manhood, but the conflict between mind and body. Changing our bodies is part of the resolution of that conflict. But the other part of resolving the conflict takes place in our minds, not by rejecting the gender that we feel, but simply by accepting the fact that we were given this conflict to resolve, that our experience of life will be different because of it. Not better, not worse, but different and uniquely ours.

We have every right to struggle to achieve our true identity. We have every right to be proud of what we achieve in the struggle, because we know the pain that each of us has faced, and we know that this pain has killed others. We have every reason to be proud of who we are, and that we have come to peace with this conflict, by whatever path that we need to take.

This is what transgender pride is about. It is about being true to ourselves, to both our true gender that has come to the surface after being buried and rejected for so long, and to our heritage, which includes the struggle and the pain, as well as the triumph. It is about taking our true place in the community, and not accepting when others see us as less than we are.

We have no reason to be ashamed of who we are. We are human, and we are strong. When we live as our true selves, other people will perceive this and understand this. Pride in ourselves is an important part of passing, because what I want in my interactions with others is to be respected, and that respect starts with me.

—————

In another context, I wrote:

Speaking of which, in private email with another person in swlab, I mentioned that “out and proud” is something that you don’t hear very much in the trans community.

R. responded:

Makes sense to me. I mean, I’m quite happy being lesbian. If I had a button I could press that would make me like guys, I wouldn’t press it, not for anything. But being TS is a bit different. I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of, but what’s to be proud of? A woman should be proud that she used to have a messed up bod that looked like a guy’s?

To which I responded:

There is a lot to be proud of. I have an unusual heritage–not unique, but unique within the experience of many people who know me. Although my experience of life is different from that of single-gendered people, I know some of what it means to live as each gender. This has been useful, both to me, and to others with whom I share my life, even when the topic has little to do with what we tend to think of as gender issues.

I have learned to deal with difficult issues, both internally and in relating to others. In itself, this is something to be proud of. This, too, is something that I can share with others, because we all experience difficulties in life, and for many of us there are common problems that we face, including depression, isolation, shame, anger, and fear. Single-gendered people can and do learn from my experience, and I am happy to be able to share in ways that will improve and enrich their lives.

But pride runs deeper than that. Although I might not have chosen this life, I can truly say that I like who I am. I don’t like everything that has happened in my life–who does?–but I like the person that I have become. That includes the part of me that is transgendered.

Being transgendered gives me a different outlook on life. It has given me a keen appreciation of ambiguity and irony that helps me understand so many things in this world. It has been, and continues to be, a rich source of humor, something which I need every day in order to survive. It is ambiguous, and sometimes even absurd, but then so is much of the rest of life. Being transgendered helps me to appreciate the richness of life, its diversity, its pain, and our triumphs over that pain.

What is there to be proud of? The same things that any person can be proud of–who we are, what we have made of ourselves, what we leave behind for the benefit of others. Being transgendered has made me a better person than I would have been otherwise, all other things being equal. Why would I not be proud of that?

firelily.com/gender/diane/tgpride.html – 2002

Transgender Employment and Job Seeking

8 April 2001 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

Transgender people comprise 0.3 % of American adults, or about 700,000 people, according to a 2011 study by the Williams Institute. And their unemployment is 2X the rate of the general population, with athema also 4X more likely to live in poverty (according to the 2011 National Transgender Discrimination Survey, (n=6,450.) The challenge then is how do we get our community employed and above the poverty line?

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) ruled that discrimination based on gender identity is sex discrimination, triggering Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. President Obama has also signed Executive Orders protecting federal employee and federal contractor transgender workers. Some states and localities have passed laws protecting transgender workers. Despite this, many transgender people struggle to find work.

And now, many states are are pushing back and try to remove protextions for the transgender community, just as President Trump announced his intensions to block the trans community from serving in the military.

Aside from the surface issues of presentation, (how you look) there is the issue of legal identification. Almost all job applications ask for legal name, social security number, and past references. If you haven’t changed your name yet, you face the ugly requirement of putting your legal name on your application instead of your gender conforming name. You may also have to check the dreaded M box instead of the F, or vice-versa.

Macy’s, no doubt as a result of the Macy vs. Holder decision, has adopted a very trans-friendly application that adds a space where you can put down the name you prefer to be called by, in addition to your legal name.

Companies can’t get around the legal name issue for obvious reasons. Even if you have changed your legal name, you have to deal with all of your references knowing you by your birthname. So many transgender people wonder, often with some level of desperation, how they will find gainful employment other than the local street corner. Below is some advice to help you land a decent job.

LGBT Job Fairs

Hey, if companies have tables at these, they are looking to hire you! That should give you a great confidence boost. Even if they are looking for the L or G component, at least you know your odds are better than a blind interview. Affirmations in Ferndale, MI has a LGBT career fair, and many large cities host LGBT career fairs. You may have to travel, but you hook up with some local girls and make a day out of it while you are there. Getting hired will take some effort; be prepared to put some mileage on your car and be prepared (and willing) to relocate.

LinkedIn

I have to admit that I’ve been a bit disappointed with this one, but it is obligatory that you at least have a good profile there. Most HR departments will look you up online, and LinkedIn is one of the first places they look — so you need to have some good info on your publicly accessible profile. ou can also search for jobs and networks there, and it is good for at least seeing the ebb and flow of local jobs in your area.

Networking

As transgender people enter the workforce, we have an obligation to help one another. Flat out, yes we do. In the same way that there is an good ol’ boys network, there needs to be a “former old boy’s network,” (or former girl’s network.) Affirmative actio — regardless of your political views as to the fairness of it — helped African Americans. Employee support groups, both company led and privately formed, definitely helped move more African Americans into the professional workforce. We need to help each other in the same way, and this includes those closeted individuals who aren’t ready to come out themselves, but can definitely help a sister (or brother) out.

Be That Much Better

You need to be stellar awesome in your communications, interview, and preparation. The cards will be stacked against you, not only from being one of hundreds of applicants (potentially), but realistically because of your transgender status. You need to be that much better than everyone else so as to shine so brightly that your ability transcends your gender. Proper research on the company you are interviewing with is essential. Preparation, such as practice interviews, and presentation (dressing) skills are essential. Record yourself in a practice interview and lsiten to it over and over until you’ve worked out all the flaws. Get a friend to work with you. Let them ask off the cuff questions so you can get comfortable in your responses. You can learn a lot about what the interviewer sees; then work to correct any mistakes and perfect your responses.

Human Rights Campaign Foundation’s Corporate Equality Index

This is a great resource to quickly check up on how LGBT friendly companies are. Companies are rated on a score of 0 to 100. The higher the score the more inclusive the company is. You should also check out the company website and find their diversity and non-discrimination language. If they have transgender listed, then it is an indication that at least someone in HR is aware of transgender people.

Be Confident

Confidence is a huge asset! You are an asset tho the company, you know, and need to let them see and feel it too — without coming across as arrogant or conceited. There are many out there that will patronize you, and/or be condesending. Don’t let them. You can be confident is who you are and what you’re capable of contributing, all while maintaing your composure. Be upfront about your status, don’t hide it, but don’t overly volunteer more than they want, or need, to know. You may also have to walk the fine line between being a “crusader” and getting hired. Some questions that are put to you may be illegal, so do some homework and be prepared. But remember your goal is not to be confrontational, it’s to get hired. Grace and gentle education can go a long way. Finally, always follow up. You can never close a sale if you don’t ask for it. Proper manners and etiquette are always appreciated, but show them through your eagaerness and persistance that you want this job.

Take Acton if You are Wronged

If you are definitely discriminated against you are unlikely to sue — it’s expensive, time consuming, and in some cases very public. However, you could file a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. You can also inform national and/or local advocacy groups, such as the afore-mentioned Human Rights Campaign, or your local LGBT organization. At the very least, it will help inform others about how companies treat transgender people.

Hope this helps.

Jenni Contrisciani, MBA

08 April 2001 @tglife.com

My Teenage Son Wants to be a Woman

20 February 2001 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

Beth Thomas always knew her son Adam was different she just couldn’t put her finger on it. At times she grew despondent at his mood swings. Adam was spending more and more time alone in his bedroom and when Beth asked what was wrong he wouldn’t answer properly.

“I’d always wondered if Adam was gay,” says Beth, 49, an office manager from Southend, Essex. “Even when he was growing up he’d always choose girls’ clothes instead of boys’ and play with the girls at school. I thought it was just a matter of time before he told me.”

But a few years later, when Adam was 18, he dropped a bombshell. He wasn’t gay but he wanted to change sex.

“I knew telling Mum would be one of the hardest things I’d ever have to do,” says Adam who’s now living as Zoe. “She’d always been quite open-minded but I knew telling her I wanted a sex change was going to be difficult. It would be hard for anyone to deal with.”

Five years earlier, Adam had started to feel uncomfortable about his identity and sank into a deep depression.

“It didn’t help that I was being bullied at school,” explains Zoe, 19. “I simply didn’t want to do any of the things other boys did like play football, fight and so on. I even took ballet lessons for a while. I’d get called a poof and be pushed around. I felt suicidal”

But when puberty hit, things got worse. “I started growing facial hair and it simply didn’t feel right,” adds Zoe. “I felt disgusted by it. I developed a sex drive too and that was very confusing. I wondered if I was gay but I fancied girls, though I felt more like them than a teenage boy.”

Adam left school at 16 to take a course in computing. There he found an outlet for his frustrations and made some friends. “There were boys at college who experimented with makeup.” recalls Zoe. “So I could wear lipstick and dress in sarongs without other students thinking I was strange.”

It was six months later that Adam discovered why he was feeling the way he was.

Surfing the Internet one night in July 1999 he came across the word ‘transsexual‘.

He logged on to the website and everything began to make sense. “There were stories about women trapped in men’s bodies,” recalls Zoe. “I identified with them strongly and nearly shouted out that’s me! Suddenly I didn’t feel so alone. I was frightened about the future but the overwhelming feeling was one of relief.”

Adam discovered there were operations and hormone treatments available for transsexuals to help them cope with their feelings.

“Almost immediately I knew I was really a girl,” says Zoe. “I asked Mum what she would have called me if I’d been born a girl. She said Zoe and that’s what I decided to call my alter ego my real self.”

Adam confided in friends first of all. “My closest friend Michelle said, ‘Oh, cool! If that will make you happy,'” remembers Zoe. “My other friends, Alex and Mike, didn’t seem shocked at all. The only comment they made was at Christmas when Alex said he didn’t know what to get me as he’d never bought anything for a girl before.”

Adam, an only child who’s had no contact with his father since his parents split up five years ago, was still petrified about telling his mum. It wasn’t until Christmas Eve 1999 that the truth came out.

“I came home and found him wearing one of my Chinese dresses,” recalls Beth. “I was stunned and asked him what he was doing. He burst into tears, sat down and hid his face. He told me he wanted a sex change. I told him he was messed up. I didn’t think he could be serious. The only transsexual I knew was Hayley in Coronation Street. He was far too young to be making decisions like this. Looking back I feel awful about the way I reacted.”

Over the next six months, Adam and Beth often rowed about his identity crisis.

“She kept saying it was stupid.” says Zoe, who works for an Internet company. “I tried to explain that I was really Zoe but she wouldn’t listen.”

Beth tried desperately to come to terms with her son’s feelings. She began surfing the Net for more information and also phoning helplines.

“I spoke to other transsexuals and realised they were ordinary, nice people,” she says. “I discovered it was a medical condition, diagnosed from psychiatric assessment, not a lifestyle choice or perversion.

“I suddenly understood why Adam had been behaving the way he had and that having a sex change might finally make him happy.

“I spoke to my GP and he said it was a good thing that Adam had made the decision so young, as it would save him years of anguish having to live as a man.

“I’ve found the fact that I’ll never have grandchildren very hard to deal with. But I’ve learnt to accept it. If things had carried on the way they were, then my son may have committed suicide and I’d have lost him altogether.”

One day last summer, Beth came home with a surprise. She held out her hand and gave Adam a keyring with the name ‘Zoe’ on it.

“I hugged him and told him I’d support him,” she says. “I knew he was determined to go through with it. I told him I wanted to meet Zoe, to see my son dressed as a girl.”

A few days later Beth took Zoe on a shopping spree to buy skirts and tops. “When he put on the clothes I was a bit shocked,” says Beth. “But the striking thing was how his personality changed. He was like a kid in a sweet shop. I could see he was so much happier being Zoe.”

Zoe discovered help on the Internet and visited a psychologist in London. He was diagnosed as transsexual and on his very first visit in August last year he was prescribed a course of female hormones.

“It can help to have the operation earlier rather than later,” says Dr Russell Reid, consultant psychiatrist specialising in gender identity, who’s treating Zoe.

“One in every 10 coming to see me is now under 20. For many young people with a crisis about their gender identity it can lead to confusion and hold them back. Having the operation can help them get on with the rest of their life.”

“Since I’ve been taking the hormones my skin is softer and people tell me my figure is much more feminine,” says Zoe. “I’ve even started to develop breasts. I’m a lot calmer but I find myself getting much more emotional, especially at the end of soppy films!

“When it comes to relationships I think of myself as a bisexual female and most people I mix with are transsexuals or very open-minded, so I don’t think I’ll have many problems.”

Adam began living as Zoe 24 hours a day.

“When I told my boss, my stomach was churning,” says Zoe. “But he was really understanding. I wore I women’s clothes to work and sent an e-mail to everyone asking if they’d call me Zoe. I’m sure there was gossip but everyone has been great.”

Beth knew she’d have to tell her friends. “Not one of them batted an eyelid:” says Beth. “They were just intrigued.”

Zoe is now saving for the private £9,000 operation which she plans to have next year. The surgery, which takes four hours, involves cutting the penis and inverting it to construct a vagina. Before then Zoe has to live as a woman for 12 months.

“Mum has gone from one extreme to the other,” says Zoe. “She wants me to be really girlie. But I just like to be natural and wear denim skirts, a blouse and not much make-up.”

Beth has surprised herself at her change of attitude.

“I genuinely think it’s for the best,” she says. “Zoe is a much happier person than Adam ever was. Adam had difficulties growing up and was a very difficult child. Zoe is much more happy-go-lucky. There was a period when I felt like I was in mourning for the son I’d lost. A little bit of my heart still misses him. But now I think of it as losing a son but gaining a daughter. And Zoe is a lovely daughter too!”

by Chris Morris
From Woman
19 February 2001, mermaids.freeuk.com/woman2.html