Male on Male Sexual Violence

13 February 2000 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

Male Survivors of Incest or other Sexual Assault

It is estimated that 5-10% of reported cases of rape or sexual assault each year involve male victims (Scarce, 1997) . Some rape crisis centers see nearly equal numbers of girls and boys up to age 12. Researchers report one out of six boys will have been assaulted by age 16. Experts believe the number of cases are under-reported because survivors are less likely to report than are female survivors. Any male can be assaulted. Survivors are gay, straight, and bisexual. Most reported perpetuators are male. Several reports stated that the majority of rapes of males are perpetrated by heterosexual males (Isely & Gehrenbeck-Shim 1997, Scarce 1997).

The identification of sexual assaults committed against males is a recent phenomenon. Previous to the feminist efforts of the last 30 years, resulting in much more comprehensive laws and growing public awareness, rape was the only “sex crime” recognized by law. Only males could be charged with rape and females were the only victims recognized by law. Rape meant vaginal intercourse. Now, the term sexual assault includes many more of the behaviors by which people could be hurt. Many, but not all, states use the phrase sexual assault. Many states are beginning to recognize the sexual assault of males as a problem.

Boys tend not to be taught to empathize. We haven’t taught boys that they deserve the right to feel safe in their bodies, that the autonomy of their body is sacred, that “no” equals “no” for everyone and that when stated it should be respected. Without teaching little boys to expect these rights for themselves, how can we expect young men to respect these rights for men (or women)? Little boys are not taught how to say”no” to abusive clergy, scout-masters, coaches, uncles, fathers, baby-sitters, and other potential male perpetrators.

Males are only beginning to recognize how many of them have experienced sexual assault. For reasons similar that female survivors, male survivors deny their victimization. Their reasons include 1) a lack of information to define their experience as sexual assault; 2) a sense that they will be disbelieved by people; 3) a fear of reprisal by the perpetuator(s); 4) an unwillingness to think of themselves as survivors of sexual assault and fearing all the potential changes in themselves that might inevitably ensue; and 5) a resentment that the behavior of the perpetuator(s) had or has the power to cause the survivor to expend time, energy, emotional and financial resources-and therefore essentially take control of their life-for an unknown length of time.

Sex or Sexual Assault?

Sexual assault is commonly defined as forced intercourse or sexual contact that occurs without consent as a result of actual or threatened force (Crooks & Baur 1998). Only recently, however, have many states amended their criminal codes to include adult males (meaning sixteen years of age and older) in their definition of rape (Isely & Gehrenbeck-Shim). All sexual assault is an expression of power, hate, and control. To many heterosexuals, an assaultive male is, crudely put, manifesting “homosexual” behavior. The majority of rapes of males are perpetrated by Caucasian, heterosexual men who often commit their crime with one or more cohorts (Scarce 1997) This demonstrates, again how straight culture confuses sex with sexual assault.

Any male who has been assaulted by another male has a disincentive to report the incident because many people assume that any male assaulted by another male is automatically gay. If the survivor is gay and the perpetrator is gay then reporting the sexual assault may involve “coming out” to authorities, which can be unsafe. Living in a homophobic culture which equates the rape of males to homosexual sexual behavior; a male survivor, who is gay or presumed to be gay, may assume that he will be disbelieved and harassed by the police rather than supported.

Some sexual assaults of gay males are committed by perpetrators who self-identify as heterosexual. The motivations of these men to assault gay males is similar to their motivation to assault females-to dominate and express hatred. Some sexual assaults of gay males are committed by other gay males. Estimates of numbers of assaults are impossible to come by with the prevalence of homophobia in the United States. Consent is what separates sex from sexual assault. Consent is not adequately taught to straight, bisexual or gay teens.

Sexual assaults are not sex. When a male sexually assaults another male: 1)neither male becomes a homosexual as a result of the assault; 2) it is not the manifestation of latent homosexual behavior. There are homosexual men who commit assault but the assaults they commit are not homosexual sex acts. When a man punches another man we do not call it “homosexual battery.” “If you hit someone over the head with a frying pan, you wouldn’t call it cooking.” says Mike Lew, author of Victims No Longer: Men Recovering From Incest & Other Sexual Child Abuse.

Males Who Sexually Assault Other Males

Most of the perpetuators of sexual assault committed on male are other males. As stated before, the majority of perpetrators are heterosexual and Caucasian (Scarce 1997). The boy or young man who is a survivor can be confused, angry, blaming himself, hurt, desperate to understand. The hysteria and misinformation rampant about homosexuality makes understanding their assault very difficult for male survivors.

How Sexual Assault Affects You and Others

Some male survivors’ confusion about their sexual orientation, can hinder their recovery. While some males assaulted as boys by older males come to realize that while they don’t want to replicate the abusive component of their experience, they do want to explore consensual interactions with males. Gaining clarity about one’s sexuality is much more difficult for sexual assault survivors.

When you are dealing with survivors who you know, they may “frustrate or anger” you by not wanting to report their assault, call it assault, change behavior that you find problematic or even destructive, or other things. You may be irritated with the survivors’ rate of recovery or unwillingness to do things that you objectively know would be positive for them. Since the root of eating disorders, depression, and addictions is often incest and others sexual assault, our attention can be misdirected by manifestations of these “symptoms.”

When you are dealing with perpetrators who you know, they too may “frustrate or anger” you by not wanting to call their behavior assault, change behavior that you find problematic, etc. Their resistance may be maddening. Their alleged act may well contribute to the polarization of their circle of friends. The presumption of innocent until proven guilty can be sorely tested. Additionally, you may know or like them as people, and experience difficulty believing they could “do” this.

You don’t have to arbitrate, heal or solve this problem alone. Survivors need support not rescue. You will be helping yourself if you first look at your resistance or denial. Know your own biases and prejudices. And if you can’t/won’t listen at that particular time because you are busy/stressed, or this brings up discomfort from personal experience; you so not have to at the moment.

How to be a supportive listener for a friend/lover/relative who is a survivor of incest or other sexual assault

Most survivors never tell anyone that they have been assaulted. If someone tells you about their abuse, consider it an honor. You may not feel lucky but you are. Welcome to a very confusing, murky world.

Believe them-they are telling the truth. Tell them you’re sorry and it wasn’t their fault.
Really listen, don’t jump to solutions. Ask what help they would like.
Do not distract yourself with heroic fantasies to beat up the perpetrator.
Offer to make an appointment with them to see a counselor, clergy, police, etc.
Do not say that you know/understand how they feel. You don’t, even if you’re a survivor yourself. Your experience was not identical to his/hers.
Suggest counseling in addition to talking to you. Professional counselors are very useful.
There is no limit to how long the healing process takes. Saying things like, “You’ve got to forget about this.” won’t help and may harm recovery.
Be aware of school/local support resources and share those.
Sometimes you can’t “do” what seems to you very much, but the “little” that you do may be sufficient for survivors now. Don’t assume for them what they need.
Give them time and space. If you’re talking more than they are, you’re probably not helping.
Do not give advice, even if asked for it. Survivors of sexual assault have had their power profoundly taken from them. Making decisions overprotects them and may send a message that you think they’re incompetent. Help them problem-solve by offering all possible options. Offer to support whatever decision they make, then do it.
Get support for yourself too-the more you care, the more you are affected. Look inward; pay attention to your own feelings, your needs are valid too.
Don’t burden the survivor with your “stuff.” Males learn to expect others to “take care of” our emotional needs and want them to explain to us what we are thinking/feeling about their trauma. It isn’t wrong for us to have emotional needs. It is wrong for us to add to the survivor’s burden.
Respect their need for absolute confidentiality. Not making their secret public may be the only safe thing for them to do as they see it. If you get support for yourself as an affected “significant other,” do not tell the details of the abuse to anyone. If a person who you confide in presses you to identify the survivor, do not tell them. If you help make the details of the assault public, you will do the survivor harm.
Check-in with a person before leaping into an intense follow-up discussion. Don’t assume that the level of disclosure that you shared previously is acceptable currently or later when you talk to that person. If you want to talk further, recognize that this might not be a good time for him/her to talk.
Sometimes a friend/lover/relative will share that they were assaulted by someone. Some survivors never bring it up again. Some refuse to talk further about it. Some even avoid you. This doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. You might be the only person they have confided in and every time they see you they recall their abuse. Don’t punish them for your feeling of being used if that is how you feel. Similarly, you may choose approach them at a private time and ask them if they want to talk further. If they don’t, that’s fine. If they do,that’s also fine as long as you both feel comfortable and safe.
When a survivor tells you tell you that they have been abused, you may feel uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. You have the right to state that what they are telling you is too difficult for you to hear. You may help them find someone else who can be there for them.
If anything you hear or feel resonates for you as you hear their story, it does not prove that you are a survivor. If you are a survivor and you are feeling old feelings again, there are (hopefully)caring resources available in you community.
Some people will seek out a stranger to tell their story to. They may feel safer telling their story to someone they won’t see again, feeling safer with anonymity this person provides. We all deserve the right to feel safe. ( Protective Behaviors, Inc).
Remember the value you place on a friend who took the time to really listen to you.

Possible Reactions of Male and Female Incest or other Sexual Assault Survivors

Note: I include this sections to illustrate the multitude of sometimes contradictory effects that sexual assault survivors experience. This list was created from several lists that compiled responses of many survivors, both male and female. Not all survivors necessarily experience all or even most of these.

Nightmares
Swallowing and gagging sensitivity (suffocation feelings)
Alienation from the body-poor body management. Manipulating body size to avoid sexual attention.
Fear that everyone is a potential attacker
Eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse; other addictions; compulsive behaviors
Self-destructiveness; skin carving; self-abuse
Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsessions; Depression (sometimes paralyzing); seemingly baseless crying
Inability to express anger; fear of actual or imagined rage; constant anger
Intense hostility toward entire gender or ethnic group of the perpetuator
Depersonalization; going into shock, shutdown in crisis
A stressful situation is always a crisis; psychic numbing
Physical pain or numbness associated with a particular memory, emotion (for example anger), or situation (for example sex)
Rigid control of one’s thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity
Nervousness about being watched or surprised; feeling watched
Trust issues; inability to trust; trusting indiscriminately
High risk behaviors; inability to take risks
Boundary issues; control power, territorial issues; fear of losing control
Obsessive/compulsive behaviors
Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless, high appreciation of small favors by others
No sense of own power or right to set limits or say no
Pattern of relationships with much older persons (beginning in adolescence)
Blocking out part of childhood (especially ages 1-12), or specific person or place
Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed
Certainty that no one will listen; feeling “marked” (“The Scarlet Letter”)
Feeling crazy; feeling different; feeling oneself to be unreal and everybody else to be real, or vice versa; creating fantasy worlds, relationships, or identities
Denial; no awareness at all; repression of memories; pretending
Sexual issues: sex feels “dirty”; aversion to being touched (especially in gynecological exam); strong aversion to or need for) particular sex acts; feeling betrayed by one’s body; trouble integrating sexuality and emotionality; compulsively “seductive” or compulsively asexual; must be sexual aggressor, or cannot be; impersonal, “promiscuous” sex with strangers concurrent with inability to have sex in an intimate relationship; sexual acting acting out to meet anger or revenge needs; sexualizing of meaningful relationships. Note: Homosexuality is not an after effect.
Limited tolerance for happiness; reluctance to trust happiness

youthresource.com/library/ygm5.htm – 2000

Making Colleges and Universities Safe for Gay & Lesbian Students

13 February 2000 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

The following is a summary from Making Colleges and Universities Safe for Gay and Lesbian Students: Report and Recommendations of the Massachusetts Governor’s Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth, Warren J. Blumenfeld, Principal Author. (For a free copy of the report, write to: The Governor’s Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth, Room 111, State House, Boston, MA 02133)

I. Policies

Enact nondiscrimination policies on the basis of sexual orientation in >matters of hiring, tenure, promotion, admissions, and financial aid.
Have policies and procedures for dealing with homophobic violence and harassment.
Have a written, inclusive, and affirming definition of “couples” that is nondiscriminatory towards same-sex couples in a way that is appropriate for each institution.
Ensure equal access and equality of all benefits and privileges granted to all employees and students.
Have policies of active outreach in hiring openly GLBT and/or GLBT- sensitive faculty, staff, and administrators in all segments of the campus community.
Actively recruit openly GLBT prospective students. All of the above policies should be written, clear, consistent, accessible, and well-publicized throughout the campus.

II. Training and Development

Homophobia and other “diversity” workshops should be implemented for the entire campus community to sensitize and educate staff, faculty, and administrators.

III. Services

Colleges and universities provide official recognition, support, and funding of campus GLBT student organizations.
Physically safe, secure, and appropriate space with a welcoming, emotionally safe atmosphere should be available to GLBT organizations for meetings, social events, coffee houses, lectures, fora, workshops, and other events.
Legal and fundraising support services should be available to GLBT students.
Campus housing should include GLBT living options.
University leadership should make strong, clear, public statements on a regular basis that state the college’s commitment to ending discrimination, conviction that violence and harassment are entirely unacceptable, and appreciation of the value of diversity on campus, including diversity of sexual identity.
Colleges and universities hire openly GLBT or GLBT-sensitive therapists/counselors, faculty, staff, and administrators.
Peer counselors and/or campus crisis hotline volunteers be adequately trained in sensitivity to sexuality, sexual orientation/identity, and “coming out” issues.
Effective AIDS education, imperative for all people of all sexual orientations, must be available and widespread.
Social activities through residence halls, Offices of Student Activities, and other organizations must be not only inclusive of all sexual orientations and identities, without pressures toward heterosexuality, but actively welcoming of GLBT people as well as same-sex couples.
College and university presidents have a standing advisory committee, panel, or board, appointed or elected in consultation with GLBT students, staff, and faculty members.
Student opinion should be assessed regularly, by the above mentioned panel or in some other manner, in order to gauge the effectiveness of implemented changes.
Campus publications should take care to provide adequate and fair coverage of GLBT events and issues, both on and off campus.
Colleges and universities should aid students in alumni outreach.
Internship opportunities may also be cultivated among local GLBT- owned businesses and GLBT activist and community service organizations.
The diversity within the GLBT community should be recognized and affirmed.
The location and availability of resources of value to GLBT people should be published in materials distributed to all students, faculty, staff, and alumni.
Personnel at the Career Planning/Placement Center, like personnel in every college area, should be sensitive to GLBT issues and be aware of employment opportunities in GLBT owned or GLBT friendly businesses and community service organizations.
While needs differ greatly at each of the hundreds of institutions of higher education, it seems clear that for many, if not most, the most critically important and invaluable resource is a GLBT campus resource center with a paid administrator, staff, and resources.
In institutions where financial resources do not allow for centers and/or administrative support for any “minorities,” there should at least be an ombudsperson or other clearly recognized, identified, and publicized as an official liaison to the campus GLBT community.

IV. Curriculum / Educational Materials / Academic Affairs

Issues relating to GLBT people should be formally and permanently integrated into existing courses across the curriculum.
Speakers on GLBT topics, and particularly those who present scholarly research on GLBT topics, should be brought to campus regularly.
Courses dealing specifically with GLBT issues in the humanities, natural sciences, education, social sciences, and other disciplines should be established.
A visiting scholar position in GLBT studies should be created and supported on a continuing basis.
College and university libraries should increase their holdings of GLBT books, periodicals, and computer networking systems.
Campus facilities should be available for regional GLBT studies conferences, with administrative support provided.
Fellowship opportunities should be created and funded for teaching and research of GLBT topics.
Scholarship and research into GLBT history, culture, and theory should be encouraged and supported in faculty and students.
All multicultural education should be inclusive of the issues, history, culture, and experiences of GLBT people in the United States and worldwide. Multicultural awareness (social diversity) courses should be mandatory for all students at some point during the undergraduate years.
An archive and history of GLBT organizations on campus should be created.

V. Employee Concerns

Policies regarding equal benefits and nondiscrimination should be made clear in recruiting brochures, informational materials, campus publications, and orientation sessions.
The university should aid, support, and fund the creation of GLBT faculty and staff discussion, support, and networking groups.
Trade unions and professional organizations should have inclusive policies and supportive services available to their members.
There should be equality in all benefits, including, for example: bereavement leave, insurance coverage, library privileges, access to gym and other recreational facilities, listings in directories if spouses are customarily listed, housing for GLBT couples where the qualifications are analogous to the qualifying basis for heterosexuals, “couple” rates must be made available to GLBT couples, access to any and all other privileges and benefits by GLBT partners if access is available to heterosexual spouses.
There should be ongoing sensitivity training and staff development on GLBT issues for all employees.
Colleges and universities should cover the expenses of employees attending conferences on GLBT issues.

VI. Community / Off-Campus Concerns

Community GLBT groups should be invited to attend campus events as participants, guests, and event leaders and facilitators.
Information regarding social, religious, and other community resources should be made easily accessible to all students, staff, faculty, and administrators.
Counselors, administrators, and faculty should be available to parents or other community members to alleviate any concern that may arise out of the implementation of any of the above recommendations, as well as any concerns arising during their child’s coming out process, if that is the case.
Representatives of GLBT student groups from different schools should meet regularly to keep each other appraised of upcoming events, plan events together, and strengthen the GLBT community.
Publications, fundraising materials, and all other publications distributed to parents and alumni should include relevant and appropriate stories, essays, and news regarding GLBT issues, organizations, and events.
Corporations, public agencies, and government, religious, and community agencies and institutions that do not have official written policies against discrimination based on sexual orientation should be strongly discouraged or prohibited from on-campus employment or enlistment recruiting.

youthresource.com/library/blumen.htm – 2000

Feminine Boy forced out of Private Georgia School

30 October 1998 ~ Alan Turing ~ Leave a comment

Crossdressing Student Matthew Alex McLendon, shown dressed as a female, was ‘invitd to withdraw’ from private high school earlier this month. ‘Alex wasn’t causing any problems. She got along well with everybody,’ said classmate Meayghan Denkers.

CARROLLTON, Ga. – Patrick Nelson had heard there was a cross-dressing boy enrolled at his high school. But darned if he could figure out just who it was.

“I looked for him the first couple of weeks. The honest truth – I didn’t even know,” Patrick said.

One day, he was talking about the mystery to a friend, who smiled and pointed to the pretty blonde at the desk next to his.

“I said, ‘No way, that’s too weird!'” Patrick recalled. ” Then I thought about it, and I said, ‘So what’s so weird about that?'”

But while Patrick and his friends were willing to accept Matthew “Alex” McLendon’s feminine appearance and mannerisms, others in this rural conservative western Georgia community of about 20,000 weren’t.

And so 15-year-old Alex withdrew from school under pressure, leaving supporters of the popular, easygoing student wondering what threat they had supposedly been protected from.

“Alex wasn’t causing any problems. She got along well with everybody,” said classmate and friend Meayghan Denkers. “She wasn’t trying to change anybody to be like her or anything.”

After a heated meeting of the board of the small, private Georgian Country Day School on Oct. 6, Alex was “invited to withdraw” or face expulsion. Alex, who had enrolled in September after attending public school, was cited for wearing a tongue ring, but had been called before school authorities earlier about his female dress, makeup and hairstyle.

Most of Alex’s classmates – including some of the boys – wore bows in their hair in protest until ordered to remove them by the principal. Some indignantly quoted their school handbook, which urges acceptance of “diversity in opinion, culture, ideas, behavioural characteristics, attributes or challenges.”

“Alex represents something that’s way beyond the experience and the comfort zone of the very conservative people we live with,” said Lori Lipoma, Meayghan’s mother and a drama teacher at the school. “I really think we all lost something very precious that night.”

School officials would not discuss the case.

“We make no comments on students,” said Rex Camp, chairman of the board of the school, where tuition is more than $5,000 a year for the 50 or so high school students. Kindergarten and elementary students are in a separate building, but one parent of a 6-year-old expressed concern at the board meeting about Alex’s effect on younger children.

“I believe in sexual standards in society, and I want my child in a school that holds the same sexual ethics that I do,” said Craig Neal.

Alex, who speaks in a soft, feminine voice, began cross-dressing two years ago and considers himself “95 percent girl.”

Larry Harmon, a Dade County, Fla., psychologist who counsels parents in sexual identity, said such feelings appear to fit a rare condition called gender-identity disorder. He said it doesn’t necessarily imply homosexuality, and it’s difficult to know how many youngsters have it and why.

“I’m not homosexual,” Alex said. “I just look like a girl and I dress like a girl. It wasn’t anything flamboyant, not sequins or anything. But because I’m a guy….”

He enrolled in night school but quit in less than a week because he didn’t feel the courses offered would help his education goals. He hopes to pursue a career in fashion merchandising and modelling.

Alex said Thursday he’s looking into the possibility of home-schooling.

“I do wish I was still at the Georgian School,” he said.

At the Georgian Country Day School – where Alex said he enrolled to get a better education – he struck up a friendship with Meayghan and was soon invited to spend nights at her house. The first few times, Meayghan’s mother popped in on them unannounced just in case.

“They’d be sitting there doing hair, or painting nails, and I said to myself, ‘This is a girl,'” Lipoma said.

A few weeks into the school year, he and his father were summoned to a meeting with school officials. They said that parents had complained, and that he had to dress like a boy, Alex recalled. He refused. A special board meeting followed.

Under the law, a public school would have to show that Alex was disrupting education or undermining safety. A private school has more leeway.

Alex’s mother died when he was young. He said that his cross-dressing initially caused a rift with his father, but that the older man stood with him in the dispute with the board. Mack McLendon declined an interview.

“School is supposed to be preparing you for life,” Alex said. “Parents are trying to protect their kids by covering their eyes. It’s going to be a real shock for some of these parents when their kids get out into the real world.”

by Dan Sewell
From Associated Press
30 October 1998, mermaids.freeuk.com/ap001.html